Friday, November 21, 2014

Why Is Our Holiday Schedule So Stressful?

I help parents create parenting plans every day. When it comes to holidays, the parents fall into two general categories: (1) “We will always get along and we agree we will just share the holidays equally and it will just work out” – AND – (2) “I cannot be without my child on any holiday, regardless of significance.”

While the “first” category of parents may seem flexible, and the “second” category of parents may seem inflexible, the reality is that both sets of parents may be creating unnecessary problems.

I encourage parents to look at a parenting plan as “the lowest level of acceptable behavior between the parents.” It allows each parent to know what he/she can expect unless they reach other agreements. It gives them a baseline on which they can rely.

So, it may not make sense to delay deciding what to do about holidays until “later.” After all, you may want to travel with the child, grandparents may want to visit and know that they will see a favorite grandchild, or there may be other children’s schedules to work around.

It also may not make sense to require that every holiday be “chopped up,” because that creates the same problems – what if you want to travel, will grandparents come if the visit is only for a few hours, will children get to see other siblings, etc.?

So, I work with parents to talk about these items at the beginning. I also remind parents to keep in mind that holiday celebrations happen when the parent says they do. The calendar may say when the holiday occurs, but parents choose when to celebrate, and I have yet to see any child complain about having an early holiday. Or, better yet, two holiday celebrations!

More: "When a Court Order Is Not Enough"

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