Why Did We Laugh at "Conscious Uncoupling"?

Gwyneth Paltrow announced last week that she was ending her marriage with her husband by “conscious uncoupling.” The reaction from the media – both social and mainstream – and people on the street was to let out a big laugh. How Hollywood! How New Age-y! How weird! Within hours, the late night talk show hosts had the phrase “conscious uncoupling” in their nightly monologues. The phrase “conscious uncoupling” went mainstream nearly instantly.

But the mainstream use of the term was primarily to be funny. Then, I learned more.

The phrase was coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, a psychotherapist. Ms. Thomas describes “conscious uncoupling” as “a kinder term for divorce. It is essentially a no-drama approach to separation, one that protects the children and encourages both sides to avoid pointing fingers.”

Isn’t that exactly what couples have been trying to do for years? Using different tools for divorce so that the focus is on children and encouraging both spouses to be the best they can be after the end of the relationship? Many processes can be used for “conscious uncoupling,” such as collaborative divorce, mediation, and negotiated settlements.

So, maybe it is a good thing that “conscious uncoupling” went mainstream so quickly. After all, wouldn’t everyone going through one of the most difficult events in their lives benefit from less drama and a kinder approach to divorce?

More about Mary Ann Hess's collaborative divorce practice

Words of Advice for Creating a Parenting Plan.

I should stop being surprised when I hear a parent say "our parenting plan does not work!" This comment comes equally from moms and dads. Once one of the parents becomes “concerned”, “dissatisfied”, or fill in the blank about exactly what is wrong with their parenting plan, immediate attention can avoid years of conflict. A very common concern about parenting plans is a “lack of detail” – who does what, when? I see the “lack of detail” parenting plans most often when people settle their parenting issues. That seems surprising because when parents settle, they have a unique opportunity to create a parenting plan that fits their particular family needs. Their agreements have avoided being told how to parent their children by the judge, or having a “one size fits all” parenting plan utilized for their family. How does this happen? I see it mostly when people are “so agreeable” in their settlement negotiations that they just cannot envision a set of circumstances where parents may disagree “at least as it relates to the children.” The “that will never happen” rapidly turns into, “how did this happen?” A way to avoid future problems is to take the time to really think about your parenting plan immediately when parents are considering ending their romantic relationship – it is never too soon! Think of your parenting plan as the “lowest level of acceptable behavior” between parents who are acting in their children’s best interest. Figure out what is important to you and then make sure that you include those items in your parenting plan. Knowing what each parent’s minimum responsibilities are creates the best framework to raising happy, healthy and well adjusted children who just happen to live in two homes.

Help! Our Parenting Plan Does Not Work

There are various reasons why parenting plans “don’t work”.  They vary from one parent’s refusal to follow the court’s order – yes, a parenting plan is a court order.  Another reason is that the parenting plan does not cover the situation that is now occurring.  Or, the circumstances simply have changed – new relationships, relocation, children having different needs, etc.

Ideally, parents will sit down and revisit their parenting plan when any issue arises that raises a concern for either parent.  But, the reality is that does not happen enough.

Depending on the reason why the parenting plan doesn’t work, parents may want to utilize the services of a Parenting Coordinator (“PC”).  A PC is a court appointed professional who helps parents at impasse.  The PC will try to help the parents reach an agreement as to how to resolve their concerns.  If that does not work, the PC will make a report and recommendation to the judge as to how to resolve the issue.  The judge always makes the final determination as to how to handle the issue.

I do a fair amount of PC work and I really enjoy it.  My PC clients need help and need help quickly.  It is not surprising how frequently parents agree on how to resolve a child-related issue, but only after they are required to sit down with the assistance of a PC and figure out what is in the best interest of their children.  For the occasions that parents just cannot agree – for whatever reason – having the opportunity to work with a court-appointed PC nearly immediately can help the parents avoid anxiety, avoid lengthy conflict created by the time lines imposed by the court’s backlog and the court’s rules, and help the parents simply getting to resolution more quickly.

So, before going back to court when you have a disagreement with your ex about your kids, ask yourself:  Can we sit down and figure this out?  If not, would we benefit from having the Court appoint a PC?

Does It 'Take a Village' to Get Divorced?

We have all heard the phrase, “it takes a village” when people discuss raising children.   We all readily accept that moms and dads take on different roles in parenting, and turn to others for help when needed.  It is not uncommon that one parent is responsible for school work and another parent is responsible for extracurricular activities.  It is also pretty common that parents use the help of others (grandparents, nannies, child care, friends) to help them with their children’s needs simply due to everybody’s busy lives.

 

That same type of “division of labor” occurs in nearly every household.  The spouse who is good with numbers pays the bills and takes care of the taxes.  The spouse who is handy, takes care of household repairs.  When other help is needed the spouses do not think twice about hiring the right person for the job – of course, based on the skill level that person brings to the project.

 

Yet, when it comes time to divorce, many people forget about “their village”.  Too many times, a spouse turns to his divorce lawyer and wants the lawyer to “handle everything” even if that will not provide the spouse with the help he needs in order to resolve all of his legal issues while moving forward with his “new” life.

 

Collaborative Divorce and Collaborative Mediation help spouses use “their village” to create a peaceful and respectful resolution of their family issues.  For example, clients are encouraged to use the services of a financial neutral to assist in the gathering of financial information, and helping the “non-numbers” spouse understand the family’s financial picture.  This is tremendously helpful for the parties in reaching their agreements that are in the best interest of the entire family.

 

Another “village member” can be a child specialist.  The child specialist helps separating parents get information regarding their children, both based on information from the children, and the children’s developmental stages, and can work with the parents to help understand what the children – and – parents need in creating post-separation lives.

 

Other jointly-hired “specialists” or “village members” can be used to address the unique needs of every family.  Arizona Collaborative Colleagues does not mandate a “one size fits all village”.  After all, the “village” we all started with was based on our own family’s needs, talents, and desires.  Why should we sell ourselves, and our families, short in making some of the most important decisions of our lives without utilizing professionals with the skill to help us?  After all, “it takes a village”.

Collaborative Divorce: Seeking Fairness for All

Collaborative Divorce is a way for a divorcing couple in Arizona and other states to work as a team with trained professionals to resolve disputes respectfully, without going to court. Each party has the support, protection and guidance of his or her own lawyer.

But the lawyers, instead of going to battle against each other, pledge to work together in crafting an outcome that is fair to all.

While collaborative lawyers are always involved, the circumstances of the divorce may make it appropriate for other professionals – child specialists, business and financial specialists or divorce coaches – to be a part of the process. In these models you and your spouse have the option of starting your divorce with the professionals with whom you feel most comfortable and then choosing any other professionals you need as the process progresses. Therefore, you benefit throughout collaboration from the assistance and support of all of your chosen professionals.

How Collaborative Divorce Differs from Traditional Divorce

Collaborative Divorce is generally distinguished from traditional litigation by its core elements, which are set out in a contractual commitment among you and your chosen collaborative professionals to:

• negotiate a mutually acceptable settlement without using court to decide any issues for the clients,
• withdrawal of the professionals if either client goes to court,
• engage in open communication and information sharing, and
• create shared solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both clients.

 Advantages of Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce offers many distinct advantages:

• Collaborative Divorce can often hold down legal costs. (The Boston Law Collaborative has found that the median cost of a collaborative divorce was 26% less than a divorce achieved via traditional settlement, and 75% less than divorces that end in court.)
• You and your spouse keep control of the process, without going to court.
• Children's needs are given priority.
• You and your spouse commit to reaching agreement through a problem-solving approach.
• An atmosphere of respect preserves self esteem.
• Open communication allows both of you to express your needs for moving forward and gives you new tools for effective problem-solving in the future.
• There is full disclosure of facts and information.
• Face-to-face meetings in the presence of lawyers make negotiations direct and efficient and allow for mutually created resolutions.
• The Collaborative process helps both of you plan for your own future and that of your children, and to begin new lives for all of you.

Is Collaborative Divorce for You?

Divorce is a highly personal matter, and no approach is right for everyone. Many couples, however, have found that Collaborative Divorce is a welcome alternative to the potentially destructive aspects of conventional divorce. To determine if Collaborative Divorce may be right for you, ask yourself if these values are important:

• Maintaining an atmosphere of respect, even in the presence of disagreements.
• If you have children, making their needs a high priority.
• Listening objectively to your spouse's needs, fully expecting that your own needs will be given equal consideration.
• Working creatively and cooperatively to solve issues.
• Seeing beyond the frustration and pain of the present moment to plan for the future.
• Behaving in an ethical manner toward your spouse.
• Keeping control of the divorce process with you and your spouse, and not relegating it to the court system.

 If you can affirm these basic principles, it is likely that Collaborative Divorce would be a viable option for you.

The Result of Collaborative Divorce

The end result of Collaborative Practice is a divorce agreement that has been achieved through mutual problem solving. You, along with your lawyers and other chosen collaborative professionals, take control of shaping the final agreement, rather than having a settlement imposed on you by the court.